A few months ago, I would’ve told you that my life was right on track. I had a great part-time job that aligned perfectly with my major at my university press and I had just married the love of my life after nine years of being together. As a couple, things were awesome as well. He had a stable (albeit stressful) full-time job with the university with good pay and great benefits, we had a lovely little apartment in a fantastic area of College Station, we had happy dogs that we took for walks every day (or every other day), and we had a reliable car that we bought new in 2013. Everything was pretty great.
However, we decided that after four years, we had outgrown College Station and wanted to move back to the Austin area.
Fast forward to the present…and I don’t feel so on track. Bill found an awesome new job just a couple of months after we got married, and we decided to take a risk and follow our dreams. In late July 2015 we moved into a 450 square foot studio apartment on my mom’s 5-acre property in the hill country. We’re 20 minutes away from my trainer’s house, but Bill’s job is an hour away. And we only have one car, so I’m stuck at home during the day unless I can borrow my mom’s car. Bill’s got his stuff together, but I’m struggling. He got a substantial pay raise with his new position, so all the bills are covered and I even get to do what I’ve always wanted to do. I take a weekly riding lesson on the pony that I’m leasing (who also happens to be my “Proposal Pony”) and two other days per week I ride on my own and try to apply what I’ve learned in my lessons. That part of my life is paradise.
I realize how privileged I am, and I do feel thankful every single day. But, riding ponies while my husband works makes me feel guilty. (If you’ve read this far, prepare yourself for a lot of nonsensical babbling ahead.) Our joint decision to keep me in the saddle three times per week makes life way more complicated, because as I mentioned earlier, we only have one car. We could afford another car if I didn’t ride, and if we weren’t saving for a house. But I do ride. And we are saving for a house.
The bottom line here is that being an adult is scary. I thought that once I graduated from college, it would be easy to find a job because I have years of experience working in an office under my belt and so far it’s been easy for my husband to advance his career. Although he’s well on his way to receiving a degree, he’s been able to land great jobs and promotions without one. The difference is that I have an English degree (which everyone advised me not to get) and at this point in my life I don’t see myself ever wanting to become a teacher. I’ve applied to at least 100 jobs in the past few months, and I’ve only had two interviews. I did find part time transcription work, but that’s definitely not going to be a career for me. This transition into our “new life” has been an eye opener for me, and although I don’t regret our decision to move at all, certain aspects of it are especially hard for me. I feel inadequate much of the time. I feel guilty for spending a brand new car payment’s worth of money on something as frivolous as horseback riding. That, however, is something I know I will regret for the rest of my life if I don’t pursue now.
This blog post probably didn’t make much sense at all. I just needed to get some of my thoughts out on the page.
Keep Calm and Carreon 