Keep Calm and Carreon

Getting Back on the Horse

Everyone has heard the idiom “Get back on the horse.” This advice is harder to abide by when you’ve fallen off a horse two days in a row.

As an equestrian, I’ve had plenty of falls. No matter how many times I’ve fallen off and been okay, it still sucks and my confidence takes a dive. Before this last week, I made it nearly three years without falling off. On Monday, I fell off in my jump lesson. My coach warned me that my pony didn’t see the jump we were approaching, so when he stopped and spun right, I was prepared. I couldn’t stick with him, but I was able to hop off and land safely upright on my feet. I got back on immediately and we proceeded to have a productive ride. Of course, I was a little nervous as we approached each jump, but I made sure to give Monkey a better ride and he was a good pony.

One day after my last fall, I had another fall. We were having a bit of a messy ride, and I was getting frustrated even before I hit the dirt. Towards the end of the lesson, I was just trying to keep it all together and not let things get any worse. As we were cantering on a 20 meter circle in the middle of the ring, Monkey spooked at only God knows what. He’s such a little guy that when he makes a quick change of direction, I’m gone. I flopped off his back like a sack of potatoes and landed hard on my hip joint. Monkey stood two steps away, looking down at me apologetically. Bless him, he just thought he was saving us from a monster. After a stretching session on the ground, I got back on and shakily finished my lesson, praying to stay in the saddle for the last ten minutes of our ride. I walked away from our lesson more than a little crestfallen that I had taken two spills in two days. It didn’t help that I was so sore and stiff from two falls 24 hours apart that I was struggling to walk.

We have a show coming up in two weeks, and it’s always discouraging to have bad rides before a show. A lot goes into preparing for a competition. I’ve spent countless dollars and hours in the saddle in preparation for spending five minutes in the ring to be judged. I only have two more lessons before the show, and I intend to make the most of them. I know that I’m going to be nervous before my next lesson, and especially nervous for my practice rides on my own. Until I have a few good rides to build up my confidence again, I’ll have to focus on pretending to be confident so I don’t psych myself out and set myself up for another fall. Monkey is a pony who derives confidence from his rider, especially over fences. When I’m not feeling great, he can tell. Fake it till you make it definitely works with him. I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and act like I’ve got everything under control. I saw a quote the other day that I absolutely love: “You may see me struggle, but you will never see me quit.” I can’t allow a fall to shake me up too badly. I have to get back on the horse and give it my best shot, even if I’m terrified. I’m forever grateful for the life lessons that horses teach us.

Adjusting to Life After College

A few months ago, I would’ve told you that my life was right on track. I had a great part-time job that aligned perfectly with my major at my university press and I had just married the love of my life after nine years of being together. As a couple, things were awesome as well. He had a stable (albeit stressful) full-time job with the university with good pay and great benefits, we had a lovely little apartment in a fantastic area of College Station, we had happy dogs that we took for walks every day (or every other day), and we had a reliable car that we bought new in 2013. Everything was pretty great.

However, we decided that after four years, we had outgrown College Station and wanted to move back to the Austin area.

Fast forward to the present…and I don’t feel so on track. Bill found an awesome new job just a couple of months after we got married, and we decided to take a risk and follow our dreams. In late July 2015 we moved into a 450 square foot studio apartment on my mom’s 5-acre property in the hill country. We’re 20 minutes away from my trainer’s house, but Bill’s job is an hour away. And we only have one car, so I’m stuck at home during the day unless I can borrow my mom’s car. Bill’s got his stuff together, but I’m struggling. He got a substantial pay raise with his new position, so all the bills are covered and I even get to do what I’ve always wanted to do. I take a weekly riding lesson on the pony that I’m leasing (who also happens to be my “Proposal Pony”) and two other days per week I ride on my own and try to apply what I’ve learned in my lessons. That part of my life is paradise.

August31 — The best proposal in history, if you ask me.

I realize how privileged I am, and I do feel thankful every single day. But, riding ponies while my husband works makes me feel guilty. (If you’ve read this far, prepare yourself for a lot of nonsensical babbling ahead.) Our joint decision to keep me in the saddle three times per week makes life way more complicated, because as I mentioned earlier, we only have one car. We could afford another car if I didn’t ride, and if we weren’t saving for a house. But I do ride. And we are saving for a house.

The bottom line here is that being an adult is scary. I thought that once I graduated from college, it would be easy to find a job because I have years of experience working in an office under my belt and so far it’s been easy for my husband to advance his career. Although he’s well on his way to receiving a degree, he’s been able to land great jobs and promotions without one. The difference is that I have an English degree (which everyone advised me not to get) and at this point in my life I don’t see myself ever wanting to become a teacher. I’ve applied to at least 100 jobs in the past few months, and I’ve only had two interviews. I did find part time transcription work, but that’s definitely not going to be a career for me. This transition into our “new life” has been an eye opener for me, and although I don’t regret our decision to move at all, certain aspects of it are especially hard for me. I feel inadequate much of the time. I feel guilty for spending a brand new car payment’s worth of money on something as frivolous as horseback riding. That, however, is something I know I will regret for the rest of my life if I don’t pursue now.

This blog post probably didn’t make much sense at all. I just needed to get some of my thoughts out on the page.

Tia’s 4 Year Anniversary!

(I’m one day late for my Tia post…sorry, Tia.)

In August 2011 when my horse, my then-boyfriend, and I moved to College Station, I never thought we’d be adding a new addition to our family so soon. Until he met Tia, Bill claimed that he hated small dogs and would never get one.

The first day at the new barn, I took my horse out to graze and a tiny little creature bolted from the pasture and started zipping around my horse’s hooves. I tried to shoo her away, but she was insistent on hanging out with us. Her energy was just amazing. For a tiny thing, she was utterly unafraid of playing around 1200 lb. horses. She belonged to my friend Carson who lived on site at the barn and helped take care of the horses. Carson said that Tortilla had been dumped on the side of the highway and left for dead, but a nice lady had picked her up and brought her to the vet office where Carson worked to try to find a home for her before taking her to the shelter. One look at the tiny Chihuahua, and Carson caved. Tortilla (now named Tia) was not the typical Chihuahua: she had no concept of being small and could hold her own living on a horse farm with a bunch of other dogs. The only problem was that she was getting out of the fence and onto the highway. Carson asked me if I knew anyone who would want her, and I said no. As cute as she was, my dorm didn’t allow dogs, and I knew Bill would never want a Chihuahua.

Bill, who always accompanied me to the barn, loved to pick her up and play with her during my rides. For a guy who hated small dogs, he sure seemed to like this one. Finally, less than two months later, he asked me if Carson would consider giving her to us. I was shocked, and when we came to pick her up two days later, I was even more shocked. When I asked why he wanted Tia if he had a strict no-small-dog policy, he answered: “She’s so happy! And she’s crazy!” (100% true statements.)

Four years later, and she’s turned out to be an essential part of our family. She is absolutely the funniest little critter ever. She bosses her sister around, growls at any dog who comes near “her” bedroom, and wholeheartedly believes that she’s the queen. Unaware that Chihuahuas have a reputation of being prissy, she jumps at any opportunity to run through a mud puddle or roll in a steaming pile of horse poop. As crazy and nonsensical as she is, we absolutely adore her. She’s without a doubt the best nap buddy ever, but she can also keep up with the big dogs on a 3 mile all uphill hike. My husband swears that she’s the only small dog he’ll ever like. 🙂

Moving Forward

My riding career has always been tumultuous, to say the least.

I’ve never really had any consistency in my riding until now, partly due to circumstances outside of my control, and partly due to my own choices. There’s nothing I can do to change the past, but now that I’m in a situation that I can completely control, I’m dedicating an extraordinary amount of time, money, and effort into forging ahead in my equestrian pursuits.

There have been periods of time in my riding when I felt like giving up. I don’t seem to have any natural talent, I certainly don’t have the kind of money that many people in this sport have, and although I’ve technically been riding for 17 years, I’m still considered a beginner. In the past, I’ve let comparison really get me down. By nature, I’m extremely critical of myself. After a not-so-great ride, I have to make a huge effort to let it go and not beat myself up for days. Riding is my passion in life, and it’s discouraging to be so far away from where I want to be. It used to be so hard for me to see riders a decade younger than me successfully jumping around Novice while I’m struggling over a single cross rail.

I’m trying to put comparison aside and just focus on myself. A few years ago, I had set goals for myself that I was certain I was going to achieve by a hard deadline. I was determined that I would run Beginner Novice by age 22 and quickly move up the levels from there.

That didn’t happen. Not by a long shot. I’m approaching 23 and I’m still doing a happy dance if I can get over a line of two 18″ cross rails without any major mishaps. I am finally learning to be okay with where I am at this point in my life. I’m doing my absolute best and working hard with what I have. I’ve scrapped any sort of timeline and I’m just taking things one ride at a time. Once I got rid of the deadlines, I found it easier to feel more satisfied with each ride. Riding is a luxury, and I’m able to fully enjoy it now. Little by little, I’m moving forward.

I still have goals, but I’m much less concerned with how long it takes to get there. I’m just trying to take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.

Working on our dressage skills, October 2015

Happy 3 Years, Misty!

Three years ago Bill and I drove up to the barn where I boarded my horse in College Station just as the sun was starting to set. As we approached the front gate, a skinny creature with pointed ears and black rimmed eyes crawled out of the drainage ditch in front of the entry way and trotted down the long driveway after us. She looked almost threatening, and I was mildly worried as she continued to follow us all the way to the parking lot.

I quickly put her out of my mind as I made my way up the gravel pathway to my horse’s pasture. I had just enough time to give him a thorough grooming session before the sun went down, and I was looking forward to seeing him after a long day at school and work. As soon as I entered his pasture, the boss horse came charging at me with her ears pinned. I wondered what was going on, and turned around to see that the pathetic looking dog had followed me into the pasture and was now quickly backtracking to the gate as the horse continued to chase her away. I ran to the gate with her and let her out before the alpha mare could get to her. She followed me back to the barn, tail wagging timidly the whole time. She looked young, no more than a year or so old. She wore a faded, dirty red collar with no tags and her face was covered in scratches. Her hips and ribs jutted out of her body. She was looking at me with such a hopeful expression that I gave her the only food I could find: horse cookies from my tack trunk. She happily crunched away on three horse treats before I decided that any more might hurt her teeth or gums.

Bill dialed Animal Control, but they told us that they wouldn’t be able to make it out for another hour. We sat on a tack trunk in the barn aisle and petted her as she wagged her tail nonstop. After about five minutes, we decided that we just couldn’t let her get into the back of a truck and be carted off to a crowded shelter where her future might be uncertain. We called them back and told them we’d take her home with us and try to find her family.

She reluctantly got into the car and had drooled a huge puddle by the time we got to our apartment. I had clipped my horse’s lead rope to her collar, and tried to convince her to follow us into the apartment. She hesitated before cautiously stepping over the threshold. I don’t think she’d ever been in a car or indoors before. Tia, our chihuahua, was locked in our bedroom, barking furiously. This dog was much larger than Tia, and we didn’t know how she would be with other dogs. Before we could decide how to introduce them, Tia escaped the room as Bill went in to check on her. She ran down the hall at top speed to meet the intruder. My heart stopped in fear as she barreled toward the new dog, but to my relief, they were instant friends. The new dog wagged her tail and lightly bopped Tia’s head with her paw. When Tia snapped at her, an apologetic look crossed her face. The meeting was a success.

I posted a ‘found dog’ ad on Craigslist but didn’t receive any responses. However, I came across another ‘found dog’ ad that matched her description perfectly. It was dated two months earlier. This poor girl had been on the streets for at least two months, which explained her pitiful state. Her paw pads were scabbed over and hot to the touch from months of being on the road. She did nothing besides sleep and eat for a solid week, and I was a little disappointed that I had adopted a “boring” dog.

I couldn’t have been more mistaken. After a week of recovery, she blossomed into one of the best dogs that I will ever have the privilege of knowing. It’s been three years since we took a chance on a random dog that wandered up to us, and I can’t imagine life without her. She is our #1 cuddle buddy, guard dog, hiking partner, and babysitter to her sister. She has so much patience with Tia, who constantly bites at her heels and tries to annoy her. Misty is the sweetest, most gentle soul that I know. She’s fiercely loyal to her family. When someone drives through our gate, she’s the first to sound the alarm to let us know. Even though she’s also the most neurotic dog I’ve ever been around, I love her so much that her quirks just add to her unique charm. I guess it comes from her past of being abandoned and left to fend for herself, because she hates to be alone for even one second. If we let her outside in the yard alone, she’ll stand at the door and bark until someone comes out with her. It takes her a while to trust new people, and she has an intense distrust of people in sunglasses or hats or anyone she deems “sketchy” for reasons unknown to the rest of us. We wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world, though. I’ve never met a more loving, fun, goofy, adorable dog in my life. Happy 3 years, Misty. We love you so much and are thankful every day that you found your way to us.

Growing Up

There’s something about summer that will always remind me of horses.

I started going to horse summer camp when I was 9, and did so just about every year until I was 16. From ages 14 to 16 I was a camp counselor at my barn for pretty much the whole summer, and I spent six hours a day out in the sun catching, grooming, tacking up, and leading kids on ponies around in the arena. It was hard work and I fell asleep the minute I got home every day, but I loved it. Working my summers allowed me to ride for free for the rest of the year, so it was well worth it. Even if I didn’t get paid in lessons, I still would’ve done it, because spending the day with horses for months on end was priceless. One thing I can say about myself is that I’ve never taken a moment spent with horses for granted.

Today, as I sit behind a desk in an office for the summer, I miss horses more than usual. Especially my own.

I got Donovan, my wonderful off-the-track Thoroughbred, when I was 16 years old. I had waited my whole life to have a horse of my own, and it still feels like a dream when I look back on my three years of horse ownership. I can’t believe I was so lucky. I miss the little things the most–his slow, ambling stride when we went for a bareback walk around the pasture in just a halter, that one little grey hair in his black mane, the way he’d nicker after a ride when he saw me heading for the tack room (he knew that meant COOKIES!), and the sense of absolute peace when I sat next to him as he grazed.

Now that I’m horseless and I only ride occasionally, I can’t help but feel that a part of me is missing. I’ve always known that horses are a luxury. They’re expensive and it seems like they’re only getting more expensive as time goes on. I got my horse for $1,500 in 2010. He was very well broke and just perfect for my first horse. There’s no way I could find a horse like him for that price today, and I have no idea when my time will come again for a new horse. Now that I’m an adult, I have debt to pay and bills to stay on top of. It would take me years to save up for a horse that would fit my needs. While I technically could afford more lessons, I don’t want to start my marriage off with financial strain just because I want to ride pretty ponies. I’ll be honest, it’s really hard not to be selfish sometimes. Horses are my passion, and unfortunately, I picked the most expensive passion to have: a living, breathing passion that needs 20+ pounds of hay and 10 gallons of water per day.

I try to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. I know that right now there is no way I can afford a horse, and I would have to land a pretty awesome job to be able to have one anytime soon. And that’s okay, because I still have the privilege of being able to ride a couple of times per month, which is much more often than some people ever will. Every time I get on a horse I’m reminded of how lucky I am. I’m not as involved in the horse world as I would like to be, but I’m not shut out completely. I might not be in the right place for a horse right now, but I’ll never stop working for it.

Time Marches On

The wedding is 18 days away.

That is amazing.

I remember when we were 13 years old and thought that we would get married as soon as we got out of high school. I spent pretty much every day telling myself “just five more years.”

We didn’t get married right out of high school, and I’m glad for that. He proposed when we were both 20, and we’ve been engaged for almost two years. I have no idea how the time went by so quickly. I remember skipping the eighth grade school dance and going to the mall with him instead. He bought me a pegasus jewelry box and some earrings from Claire’s. I still have the jewelry box in my room at home (but I have to admit that I lost the earrings a long time ago). Last weekend we went back to the same mall, but this time he bought my wedding band and pearls.

We always knew we’d get married. I can’t believe that at one point in our lives it felt like we would have to wait forever. Now that the wedding is just slightly more than two weeks away, I’m this strange mix of elated and terrified. I randomly squeal throughout the day because I remind myself that we’re finally going to be married after nine years of being together. I also find myself unable to sleep at night because I’m the most awkward person alive and I’m going to have to dance in front of about 100 people. The thought of all eyes being on me as I walk down the aisle makes me feel nauseous (I’m serious–this is coming from the girl who threw up every day for the first six months of Kindergarten simply because of nerves). It will all be okay, though. I have to remember that the wedding is just five hours of my life–and I’ve waited nine years for this.

Life Changes

There are a lot of things coming up that I’m really scared about.

I’m getting married in just over 30 days.
I’m retaking Business Math for the third time this summer.
If I pass, I will be graduating in August.
My job as a student worker ends in August.
I will have to start looking for jobs, and I’m terrified that there’s nothing out there for me.
Due to lack of time and money, I have to take a hiatus from riding lessons (major first world problem, but still a bummer).

I know everything will work itself out, but for now I feel like one huge tangle of stress.

Exciting Times

I can’t believe it. I’m getting married in 57 days and graduation is just around the corner, too.

The wedding has been a long time coming, but I’m still shocked by how quickly the time passed. We got engaged on August 31, 2013. At the time, May 31, 2015 seemed like forever away. Now that it’s NEXT MONTH (!!!), I’m officially in panic mode. I just haven’t been as focused on the wedding as I should have been. Working, finishing up my last full semester of college, taking care of two adorable but destructive puppies, and riding whenever I can keeps me pretty busy.

It’s almost here, though. There is nothing I can do to slow down time. I just hope that I can get everything together and pull off a successful last semester and a fun, memorable wedding.

22!

I had a perfect (lazy) birthday! I took two naps, one after each class, and watched Dance Moms while I waited for Bill to get home from work.

Bill told me he had to work late, but being the surprise-loving guy that he is, he showed up with beautiful flowers and a box of cupcakes for me. I was too tired to go out for dinner, so he picked up Chuy’s and we watched Over the Garden Wall in bed. He always makes me feel so special.

I couldn’t have asked for a better day! It was just what I needed. Maybe next year I’ll be more adventurous, but today I just felt like relaxing after the first couple of days back from Spring Break.