Keep Calm and Carreon

80 Days!

Weddings make people crazy in so many ways. There’s a lot of stress in my life right now and I’m ready to just say “forget it” and get married at the courthouse, but we’re so close and I know that it will all work out. Even if everything doesn’t go as planned, I’m ready to finally be married to the love of my life.

I’m tired of dealing with the unsolicited opinions and high emotions that keep getting thrown at me, and it’s my nature to just pretend like it’s not happening and shut down. I know this is not how I should deal with my problems, but for now it’s all I can do to keep from having a nervous breakdown.

While other people are worrying about every little detail or telling me I should have saved money by having a much smaller wedding, I’m just trying to hold myself together. I’m not worried about the details…I don’t care if the bridesmaids wear the same jewelry, or if some groomsmen wear cowboy boots while others wear dress shoes. I know people won’t remember how the wedding looked. I know I certainly won’t.

Everyone is dealing with this wedding in their own unique way, and it’s exhausting. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve never been very emotional, but I have to fight back tears whenever I hear a love song or even think about a happy memory. I was writing about our story on the wedding website and it was all I could do to keep from bawling remembering all of our history. I’ve turned into a huge sap and it’s so uncharacteristic that it kind of scares me. I really don’t want to cry at the wedding, but at this point I’m not sure it can be avoided!

We just have 80 days to go. Even though I’m so stressed out I feel like I could go into hibernation until then, I’m very thankful for the generosity and support of our families. My family has been absolutely amazing and I can never thank them enough for all their help, and their wonderful attitudes about this. They’ve been relaxed and have given advice, while assuring us that this wedding is about us. Of course, his family has been great too. It’s awesome to see how willing family members are to help. We couldn’t do this without them!

Second Chances

If you know anything about me, it’s that I have a childlike enthusiasm for horses. I had my horse for three years and the new never wore off, I was still totally pumped to see him every time I set foot in the barn and he occupied my thoughts about 95% of the time.

I’m still that way. At most, I have one lesson per week, and the rest of the time between lessons is spent in giddy anticipation for the next time I swing a leg over a horse.

A friend that I grew up riding with recently texted me to ask if I could ride her horse because her schedule doesn’t allow for as much riding time as she’d like. Of course, I jumped at the opportunity. Today I went out to her barn to try Apache, sure that everything would be amazing and we’d click immediately.

I was very wrong. The horse isn’t at fault at all, it’s just my lack of muscle and time in the saddle. It takes a lot of practice to be a good rider, and unfortunately, ride time is just something that I don’t get enough of. I had a really hard time getting him to trot (we couldn’t even make a whole lap around the arena), and I was breaking a sweat just getting him to go at a nice marching walk.

I’m disappointed in myself, because in my lessons I’m able to walk, trot, canter, and pop over cavaletti or small jumps. I wasn’t expecting to have that rough of a time, but I’m determined to give Apache a better ride next time. His owner has generously offered to give me a second chance to see if we’ll be a good match, and I’m going to give it 100%. I would love to have the opportunity to keep riding him. I intend to make the most of that second chance. If it’s meant to be, it will work out. Even if it doesn’t go as planned, I’ll be grateful for the learning experience. If nothing else, horses will teach you to be humble and resilient.

Chaos, Panic, and Disorder

This week has been exhausting…and it’s only the first week of the semester.

I’ve been in a constant state of panic about school and the wedding. I was browsing The Knot and learned that we’re breaking a wedding rule by having a cash bar. Apparently it’s considered rude for the hosts to have a cash bar instead of an open bar, but even if we provided only a few choices of alcoholic beverages, we’d be way over budget. I can only hope that our guests aren’t too offended that we’re only able to offer a cash bar. I had no idea about this “rule” and now I feel horrible about it, but there’s really nothing I can do. Of course I’m going to put this detail on the wedding website and RSVP card, so I won’t catch anyone by surprise.

The planning process is getting way too stressful for me. I’m tired of worrying about wedding etiquette, and I’m ready for our big day to come and go. I will be happy when it’s finally over, as bad as that might sound. Anxiety is hard enough to deal with when life is just business as usual, so everything that comes with wedding planning is just about enough to break me.

I’m glad the weekend is finally here. I need some time to catch my breath and try to relax.

Scary Sinkholes!

There’s a growing problem right outside my door.

I first noticed the sinkhole in late 2013. The first one started out tiny, about the diameter of a fist. As months went by it morphed into a huge hole, so my apartment management put up stakes with caution tape around it.

The sinkhole doesn’t care about caution tape. It swallowed up the wooden stakes and the yellow tape, and another hole opened up right next to it. The management’s response was just to put up more caution tape.

When the hole was small, I really didn’t worry about it. Now that there are two huge holes that I can see from my window, I’m starting to get really scared. I have no idea how big the holes can get, and I wonder how dangerous they are. I’m not worried just for myself, but for the safety of my dogs. I don’t want to be taking them out to potty one day and suddenly be miles underground, or to come home to find the apartment unit and the dogs missing. I don’t know if that’s how sinkholes really work, but the idea terrifies me.

My fiancé has notified the property manager, but she didn’t seem to be concerned. She told him that there’s no one in town who can inspect the sinkholes and they’re having to communicate with corporate to send someone out here. That sounds fine unless you’re the one with giant holes right outside your front door. We’re going to have to contact her again and be more insistent. I don’t feel safe, and I don’t want to find out what might happen if we just ignore the issue.

The Biggest Way to Say ‘I Love You’

I’m lucky in a lot of ways. I’m marrying my best friend and my first love. He makes an effort every single day to show me how much he cares, and I think that’s what makes our relationship so happy (that, and a shared love of dogs).

He’s dedicated to me in a way that I never thought possible. I take as many horseback riding lessons as I can in the never-ending quest to be a better rider, and he’s right there with me every step of the way. He’s been there for every lesson since he got his driver’s license, which is pretty amazing. He’s ringside and recording even when it’s below freezing at the crack of dawn. Horses were never his thing, but for me he’s learned so much and can carry on a well-informed conversation about horsey stuff. He actively watches and learns from my lessons instead of just showing up and tuning out, which means the world to me. Of all the nice things he does for me, going to my lessons and sharing in my passion instead of just accepting it is the number one thing he does to make me happy.

We’re still young and figuring out how to be adults, and sometimes it gets tough. We share bills, a 632 square-foot apartment, two dogs, and all the worry that goes with those things (soon we’ll be sharing a last name!). Even when life is completely overwhelming, I have the comfort of knowing I’m with someone who loves me enough to take the time to show me in every way that he can. Sometimes he shows his love in small ways, like picking up my favorite drink from Starbucks on his way home from work, but he has consistently shown me that my happiness matters to him in the way that means the most to me: horses!

He's not in the picture because he's the one behind the camera! — He’s not in the picture because he’s the one behind the camera!

Third Time’s the Charm?

It’s really hard when your best isn’t enough. I signed up for the Winter Minimester as a last resort to get Business Math out of the way so I could graduate in May before my wedding. I had attempted to pass the class at A&M, but after an abysmal first test score, I had to Q-drop to save my GPA.

I had hoped that a 12 day course at Blinn would be easier, and at first all seemed well. I was making 100s on the homework and passed my first test, but things quickly got out of hand. Despite spending four hours a day in class and ten hours per night on homework, I was too lost to pull off a passing grade. I’m devastated that I put in so many hours of hard work just to have to drop the class, but I truly did give 100% of my effort.

I can’t even express how disappointed I am that I won’t be graduating in May like I had planned, but sometimes that’s just how it goes. I’ll take the class again in the summer, and I’m determined to pass. The bright side of the situation is that I’ve learned about 80% of the material, so hopefully I’ll be able to get better grades on my third attempt.

Happy New Year!

I can’t believe 2015 is here already. That means the wedding is only 150 days away. The big stuff is all covered– we have the venue, the caterer, and the wedding dress. Save the dates are going out this week. 3 out of the 4 bridesmaids have already tried on and purchased their dresses. See? I have my stuff together (for the most part).

I’m committed to make 2015 the best year of my life. This is a HUGE year for me! I’m graduating and getting married in May. Today I started the Blogilates Beginners Workout Calendar, and I’m also working my way through the 30 Day Ab Challenge. I’m so sore today that I wonder how I’ll make it through the workouts tomorrow, but I’m more motivated than I’ve ever been in my life to workout and change my eating habits. I want to look my best when I’m walking across the stage to receive my diploma and down the aisle to my marry my groom.

Here’s to a busy year of amazing life changes!